Wednesday, October 25, 2006

This isn't a goodbye

     I have been reading some journals this morning and thinking.  This journal I hadn't read  before but had heard of it.   I think more people know that journal then me as I usually tend to read happier journals, no slam toward MBFGL and I must admit to only reading the first page, just what I prefer since after getting the news about the lastest terrorist attack or murder of innocent children and people in the world I want something lighter.

   I read the journals to maybe reassure myself that the majority of people are people just like me, people who wouldn't hurt anyone, couldn't imagine killing anyone, unless of course they were of a threat to my family, people who have the same fears and hopes and dreams basically as me.

   I am a reader and like a well written story. I don't pry too deep and really don't want anyone prying very deeply into my life. I was taught to never air my dirty linen and I don't post alot about the bad things that have happened in my life.  I am past them and want them to stay in the past. I have nothing against people who do, I think you do what you need to do to heal.  So I was surprised when I read his journal and some of the replies that he got. Some were mean and hurtful.  I guess I didn't realize.... why I don't know..... that people were reading the journals and analyzing them so much and the people that write them. It reminded me of talking to my sister and having to be so careful about everything I said knowing she would pick it all apart later. The whole things about his awards and the comments he received started giving me a bad taste in my mouth and making me sad.

When I had my neck surgery I had to wear a big pink collar. I hated it. Turns out I hate to be stared at. I never would be the type to dye my hair pink or have tattoos on my face. I like to blend in and watch people. Rick and I do alot of that. Park in the window at our favorite pub and watch people outside. People are interesting. That is why I liked the journals. But I don't want to be one of them that is watched. I took my brace off after a week and refused to wear it again. Why this story?

    I have decide to go private in my journal. I really only started it to keep track of my weight and other things in my life. I liked going back and seeing how far I had come in my riding, how much weight I had lost, and what moods I was in when my weight loss faltered so I could correct it. Yes I like the comments and am happy some people like to read my journal, but it wasn't why I started my journal. Probably isn't why most people started their journals. 

   I was just going to quit but I am quite gabby as you might have noticed when I write, weird since I don't talk much normally. But I would never want someone reading my journal 2nd guessing my ulterior motives for writing it and yes it would hurt if I thought people were making fun of me behind my back. So that is why I am going to go private. If the AIM pages turn out to be a problem I will then probably just quit the whole thing. I will still visit journals as I do like to read them like I have said. I will leave the journal public until the morning and then go private. 

                     Gee, I feel better already!


molly146012 said...

sorry that you decided to go private,julie..i really enjoy your journal.
enjoy reading your adventures and about your nursing. take care. Molly

sugarsweet056 said...

Sorry to hear that. Know my thoughts & prayers are with you.
Blessings, Sugar

candlejmr said...

I'm so sorry I won't be reading your entries anymore, but everyone has to do whatever makes them comfortable in their life.   I wish you all the best and feel free to come by and say hi whenever you like!


jckfrstross said...

ok please include me when you go private :)