Crash and Burn

    I am normally a pretty positive person.  Not prone to depression.  This mothers day really got me down though. 

       I mentioned I am now the age my mother was when we spent the last mother's day with her.   That day was so strange for us because my mom insisted on discussing her funeral plans and what she would want done if something should happen to her on that day. Did she have a premonition?

 We protested and said we didn't want to talk about it, especially on Mothers day, she would be around for years to come, but she insisted.  She said as the oldest girl I would be the one who had to make the decisions.  So we sat down and indulged her by listening but a small alarm bell was ringing in my heart.  Something I had never really thought about was being discussed making me think about it.  The unheard of could happen.   And it did soon afterward.  I never saw her again where she knew who I was.

   Sunday I couldn't help thinking, this is how my mother felt at this age.  This is how her skin felt, her joints ached, her mind thought.  This is how young my mother felt at my age.  The whole day I couldn't stop myself from comparing my every move to my Mothers.

    My mother died from Herpes Encephalitis.  She had a small cold sore on her mouth that traveled from a sinus infection to her brain destroying it.  Back then they had no treatment for it.  They did shortly afterwards.  I woke up mothers day with a small cold sore on my mouth.  Freaked me out.  I felt morbid all day and it is a good thing we were so busy at work to keep my mind off of it. 

   I over ate yesterday.  I felt this dark cloud over my head all day.  I am shaking it off today. 

   I know that the chances of me getting the same illness and dying at the same age as my mother are as slim as the lottery ticket in my purse being the winning numbers.  I did not call my oldest son and burden him with talked about my upcoming funeral.  I did tell my husband, who it turns out had the same irrational fear, about my silly worries. Irrational b : not governed by or according to reason <irrational fears> c Greek & Latin prosody  I am going to eat on track again and not eat like it was the last day of my life.  Depression is a terrible thing.  I am lucky I rarely feel it.  I am lucky it usually does not last long.  I am lucky to be alive.  Begone little depression demons.