Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Rants and raves of a plus size woman


   Ohhhh...... I have my attitude on.   Nothing gets me going more then shopping.  Being a wonderful built for comfort not speed woman, there are always things that get my dander up.  Makes me what to scream and holler.  Shopping for clothes is way up there. 

   Yes, I am larger then most cycling mama's, but I still want to be cool and dry when I ride without spending over 100 for one lousy outfit!  Get into the plus sizes and your clothes either become frumpier then Gramma Moses used to wear, or something the lowest paid hooker wouldn't be caught dead in. 

    Bicycle clothes for your plus size woman are ridiculously expensive.  To get a pair of nice shorts padded in all the right places to make your long distance ride a joy will cost you around 80 dollars!  EIGHTY DOLLARS!  Your jersey guarenteed to keep you dry and smelling like the freshest flower even after sweating out 40 gallons of sweat, will cost you another 80+ dollars if you please. 

      And then they are only 25 to 26 inches long!  Barely enough to cover my first roll much less my deeply indently not very sexy but mine nontheless belly button.  Does anyone in their right mind really want to see this 52 year old womans deeply indented belly button!  Hell no.  My husband who loves me deeply isn't even really really interested in exploring that region anymore.  Can we say mood lighting here ladies! 

       So what do I do?  Gee, Sweats really wick the sweat from you also and there must be a reason they are called sweats anyway.   I don't at my age really care what I look like riding anymore, just that I make it to the end of the ride without having a massive heart attack.  Scaring the cows and horses on the trip could happen to anyone, right! 

     I think of the barbie doll we saw on our last ride, every hair in place.  Her perfect silicone breasts encased in the latest grooviest must have cycling bra.  Barely puffing, her pants matched her god damn bike for gods sake......I will never be that woman.  Never have been that woman......I sweat, I swear, I pant, I groan, I bitch, I moan.....but then I smile, I holler with joy, I laugh with glee, I soar with the angels down the hills.  I swell with pride and even my crampy swollen muscles rejoice with me.   Fat?  Yes!   Old?  Yes getting there,  Enjoying life?  Heck yes!

   As long as I have my attitude on, one more thing.  For you men, yes I know it must be men, who designed bathrooms stalls so that a woman, a glorious plus sized woman, has to staddle the toilet so she can shut the door.......there is going to be a special place in hell for you.......and I am going to laugh!.


inquestoftruth said...

LOL!!!!    riteo matey about the bathroom stalls!   So...  you are an avid fan of shopping are you? lolol  Sounds like just the thing I'd like to do, go shopping with you!!!   rofl!!  NOT!!!!!!!  

jckfrstross said...

have a good week :)


mpnaz58 said...

Its a pain in the ass once we "mature", and our metabolism slows down, ok, stops.  I can so relate...we work out, extensively, ok, well, you do...and the freakin' scale doesn't move...or it moves up.  I am convinced that I am doing the right things, eating, exercising, and its this tired old body that is not cooperating!!  It sucks!!  I hear you on the shopping!!  Take care...
xoxo ~Myra

ladeeoftheworld said...

From one sturdily built woman to another:  I feel your pain.....lol!!!

nelishianatl said...

I want that tag above.  I lmao when I saw it.  It's like MONIQUE'S saying skinny bitches are evil.  lol.  I too am a plus sized woman, I wear a 22 and most pants are way too short for me too.  I have a 33 inch inseam.  LOOOONGGG LEGS.
This made me laugh.  Thank you.  I feel ya over here.

madcobug said...

Those prices stink! Helen

lazarai said...

Get thee to Target or Walmart ASAP and pick up a gel bike seat!! I use one on my Spin bike AND my road bike. I hated the way the gel padding felt in my shorts anyway. The gel seat cover is better...and costs less than $20!!

:) Carol

lanurseprn said...

Julie!!  You had me laughing throughout this whole entry!  You are so funny.  I'll think of you when/if I ever go shopping for bike clothes.  And yes...I agree with you on the bathroom stalls!!!

springangel235 said...

Wayyyyyyyyy too high...I agree with you...hugs and love,