Honesty

   I am up another pound today and since I no longer can blame it on that time of month, I have to take full responsibility.  I am eating too much again.  Lots of popcorn at night. 

    Last night we were watching a movie and out of the blue I thought about my age and how I didn't have alot of time left on this earth.  My mother was 52 when she died, my brother was 37.  Most of my family dies pretty young.  It was a very scary feeling.  I used to say I was going to eat what I wanted and do things that made me happy, because life was too short not to.  Whether you eat carrots or cake, we are all still going to die someday.  That is true, but I want to be healthy during my time here and I was getting in terrible shape.   I am healthier with the exercising I am doing which makes me happy, but the weight not coming off is driving me crazy.  I am not use to being so off kilter.  My meditation is helping, but this weight loss issue is intruding.  I am starting to feel like a complete failure again at this.   I am hoping all this negative thinking is due to the fact I have had to take pain pills for a few days.  They do tend to make you blue.  I can't see how people can become dependant on them when they cloud your brain this way.

   How to start over and get back to that "I can do it" feeling of a couple of weeks ago.  I started doing some yoga and Tai Chi.  It ties in with my meditating so well and maybe will give me that sence of balance that I am missing right now.  I feel like I am out of balance.  Excessive pain can do that to me and my pain level is up right now.  My doctor wanted me to take a week off from exercising, but I feel worse when I do so I went to curves today and am going for a bike ride later.  I had slim fast for breakfast, will have slim fast for lunch, V8 for a snack and for supper turkey broils grilled, sweet potatoe, beans and a large salad.  I will have an apple for a snack later and then that is it.  This is just a temporary set back.  My pain is better today and I shouldn't need to take a pain pill, just motrin so hopefully will get my self back on track.

   One thing I don't like is feeling like I will be letting everyone down if I can't lose the weight.  I realize I should only be concerned with myself but I know a lot of people are proud of me trying to do this without the surgery.  My husband was always agains't me having surgery and was really happy when I said I could do it on my own.  He says he loves me either way, and I know he does, but my skinny skinny son is so proud of me and I wouldn't want to let him down.  The girls at work are also very supportive so maybe this is the motivation I need.  I could let myself down but I would hate to let others down. 

     Boy am I rambling today.  Maybe I should spend less time writing in this and more time exercising!