Even the Robins are cold

   Feathers all fluffed out this male Robin just sat there while I walked by with the dog.  So back in the house to get a close up since he was being so obliging.  He sat there and let me take a few shots and just when I was worried someone was wrong with him since he let me get so close he took off.  Just warming up I guess.

    I work tonight.  Easter is my holiday to work.  I haven't planned a meal tomorrow, don't have a single decoration out, nothing nada.  Sure different then when the kids were here.  I did send the grandbabies a card and some money.

   Just going to do some running around today and then soak in a hot bath.  I am cold to my marrow.  Please let it warm up soon.

    The California gardener is out chopping down more trees.  I can't wait until he has them all down.  Sold both my old cars so have a little extra spending money and my yard looks less like a used car lot.  Good things.

   Well, everyone have a Blessed Easter.

Quilt of Holes

                      

                         Subject:Quilt of Holes:

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before
the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a
quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I
noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled  with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest  holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares.
Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my  own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together,
threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be
displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had
all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there  had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to
the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it
was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my
life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the
others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light
flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and  My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped
aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you."

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing
Christ to shine through!

Burrrrrr......Baby it's cold outside

           

         The temp is now up to 32, it was in the teens overnight.  Isn't it officially spring?  I have my plants covered and my sweaters on again, sigh.  At least it is sunny out.

        I had a class yesterday for 3 hours and then we went out to eat at Sweet Fannies.  It was good to just get out and not think about things for a little.

       Unfortunately my MIL can't get into the cancer doc. until Tuesday and it isn't the doc I know.  Bummer.  I am tempted to just call him, but will wait.   I just wish we knew for sure what we were dealing with.  Waiting is torture.

     My MIL is actually doing pretty good.  Since she was having some trouble with pills sticking they stretched her alittle when they did the EGD.  Now she is no longer having trouble eating and isn't sick to her stomach anymore.  Thats good.  So she is eating, not enough, but eating.  And she is more decisive then she have been in months.  Wants to go to see her lawyer like yesterday, wants to go to the bank and get her bonds out like yesterday.  Wants to go over all her papers today.   I finally told her she wasn't dying today or tomorrow so just try and slow down and relax alittle.  But she say's she feels better then she has in awhile and wants to do it while she feels good.  So that is our day today.  She wants her affairs in order and she is a very hard woman to say no too.  Have I mentioned that she is stubborn?

     My diet is out the window.   I can't get into it.  Doesn't seem important right now.  But I am gaining weight.  Some people lose when they are under stress, some people gain.  Guess what group I am in.  In fact Rick is making turkey bacon and french toast, LOL.  I will use my sugar free jelly.

    Well, someone just came who wants to buy my old car.  Have a great day all.

Thank You

          

        Thanks to everyone for their well wishes and prayers. 

      Its true.  As a nurse I am more then aware of the hell the next few months may be on my MIL.  It chills me to think about it.  I slept terrible.   Your brain just can't shut up and let you sleep when you get news like this.  I was expecting bad news last week.  Then her lab came back good.  And her scopes came back good.  And I breathed a sigh of relief at being wrong, so was completely taken by surprise when the doctor told me.  Knocked the air right out of me and I am grateful there was a chair nearby or I would have fallen.  My knees just went out on me.  Glancing at my husband I saw the pain and shock in his eyes when he understood the news I was getting.

                                  

       Having to tell my MIL was so hard.  It really sucks being the nurse sometimes.  The one who is suppose to have all the answers and be really really strong.  And I will be.  It will just take me awhile to get my bearing again.  I moved in and took care of my father in law when he died.  I will do the same thing for my MIL if it looks like this isn't something she will survive.  And the doctor gave me very little if any hope.  The scans must have really looked bad for them to be so honest so soon.  And she wins.  She stays in her beloved house.  I will make sure of it.

       

Helpless
by Geoff G. Turner

My sadness today knows no bounds
As I sit here attempting to scribble verbs and nouns
I cannot laugh; I sigh and frown
I'm helpless

My thoughts are confused; I can't think clear
Whilst you are far away, yet physically near
I speak – I do not know if you can hear
I'm helpless

I cannot begin to understand
Why are you being taken from this land?
Have you been selected for some eternal plan?
I'm helpless

And now as the end of your life draws near
I do not know what to do, or say – I fear
That each breath you breathe will be the last I hear
I'm helpless

Bad news

           

          The Doctor called.  The CAT scan showed cancer.  He said it is probably  pancreatic.  Maybe the gall bladder bile duct.  Probably metastatic from some where else.  It was like getting kicked in the stomach.  After yesterday I was starting to think this wasn't going to be something bad after all.

       We just got back from her house.  I wanted to be the one to tell her.  She is taking it pretty good.  It didn't sound like it had even occurred to her it might be cancer.   It had to me.   My husband is devastated as am I.  Darn old stubborn woman, I love her.

    We are going to see an oncology doctor hopefully next week.   I told them I wanted to see the doctor who is a friend so hopefully they can get us in to see him.   If it is for sure in her pancrease we will do comfort care only.

   I guess I am numb.  I called in to work again tonight.  Rick needs me, she needs me.

Bang Bang Bang

           

             I complained about my road the other day.  I live on a dirt road.  I remember when the boys were small sometimes it would be so muddy you couldn't drive in.  I remember walking in with a child on each hip, the diaper bag around my neck.  I had big rubber boots on.  One got stuck in the mud and I couldn't get it dislodged without putting down the boys so onward I trudged with mud up to my knees, one boot on, one boot off until I could put the boys down on the porch and go back for my boot.  Oh the fun memories of earlier times, LOL. 

       Anyway some neighbors from up the hill and us got together and went in on gravel.   How wonderful.  I could drive home all year round.  Then the city sent the road grader out.  Why...... the road was absolutely fine!  Over time all our gravel has ended up in the ditch.  This year the road was bad again.  And I complained.  So now, starting at 7 am I think, they are out there banging banging banging so hard my house is shaking.  That will teach her they must be thinking.  My yard flooded this year,  my basement flooded this year.  They haven't dug my ditch out in months.  I pay a huge amount of taxes.  They had better gravel also.  Don't get me going before my coffee.

                                

   I should be able to call today and find out what my MIL's CAT scanshowed.  I was looking up failure to thrive in the elderly last night.  If they don't find something on this test I am going to ask the doctor about that.  

     My BIL called last night and was telling me he didn't get the same impression about her. Excuse me!  You talk to her a couple of times a month and want to tell me that.  Arrrgggghhhhh, better back off dear BIL.   He has been telling her he was going to move back and take care of her for the last couple of years.  She keeps saying when Bobby gets here it will all be alright.  He told me last night.... just keep her going until Christmas and I'll be moving out and make it all better.   Well guess what.  She isn't going to make it til Christmas at this rate dear BIL and stop filling her head up with all your false promises.  It hurts her.  She refuses to move in with us because she wants to believe you will come and she won't have to move out of her house.  She wants to believe you, but doesn't really in her heart anymore and it hurts her.  It's cruel. Sigh.

       Today I am mailing some packages and doing some running around.  I have to work tonight.  I also am working Saturday.  That is why I got yesterday off.  I am happy about that as it would have been so bad working last night on such little sleep.  Tomorrow I have a 3 hour class after working all night.  Give me break already.

                           

                            Bye all, have a great day.

Scope

          

          Well we still don't know what's wrong.  The good news was her scopes were both fine.  I was worried about that I tell you.  Especially when she said she weighed 130 today and last week at the doctors she was 136.  Thats another 6 pounds making it a total of 15 since last month.    She's 5'9" so thats pretty thin. 

    Then I find out she fell twice Sunday and didn't tell me.  She was able to get up she said so its no big deal......What!  Scuse me Mom, but yes it is!  Time for that walker you keep refusing.   Time for that life line you keep refusing, time to really really think about moving in with us.

   I find out about the CAT scan tomorrow hopefully.  If that is normal I don't know what to think.  We see failure to thrive like syndromes in older people sometimes.  For who know what reason they just lose ground.  Many things may be a factor.  Isolation, depression, dementia.  Although we see her everyday there are still long hours where she is alone except for her cat.  So I guess we see whats next.  

   I got her home and made her lunch and she is going to nap.  I don't blame her.  They had us there at 6:30 but it was after 10 before they took her in for the tests.  Why so early then?  It was 2 before we got her home.   We are all tired.

    It is cold and having light snow flurries out.  Suppose to be in the 20's all week.   My poor plants.  My primroses are starting to flower and I did plant some bulbs last weekend.  I will have to cover them.  Sigh.  I want this to end.  Rain, well OK, for the flowers, but snow......Please.

  Well, I have some packing and housework to do.  Take it easy all and thanks so much for the well wishes.  I was sure hoping for some answers.